My Journey - Warts and All

Just when I think I'm getting back to normal, something happens and I realise that I'm not.  I'm struggling with everything. I'm fine in one on one company but anymore than that and I'm uncomfortable. I went on a hen night this weekend and although I couldn't stay long (I was working), I felt really awkward. I would normally have been chatting and interacting with other people, strangers or not, but it just wasn't the case. I'm trying to put myself into as many of these situations as I can but that's just making me worse. I've been back to the doctors various times over the last few weeks and now have to go for a hospital appointment. I'm just not coping with life in general. I'm depressed, anxious and not sleeping which is adding to everything else. I wasn't sure about talking about this on here but I promised when I started this that I would be honest and I've got nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.  I...

I said in my last post that time was great healer but if I'm honest, the last few weeks haven't been easier.  There have been times when I've felt ok but I'm still having really low, dark days. I've tried to do things to help me start moving on from losing the baby and I do feel like the dark days are getting less frequent. At the moment, I'm feel like I'm battling feelings of failure that I wasn't able to carry either of the babies. I've started seeing a counsellor but I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. Although he did make a good point. I'm lost. I had come to terms with the fact that babies were probably not going to be in our plan and worked on carving out a career for myself. Then when I fell pregnant all my plans were thrown into the air. When I lost the baby, I had to revert to my original plans of a career but I'd had a taste of something that I've always wanted. So I now wanted what I didn't have. I have to find out ...

It was my birthday on Wednesday and as the subject of this suggests, I turned 31.  I had a lovely day, just pottering about the house then a tour of Fife with my wee day saver ticket.  I didn't actually organise anything for this birthday. I wasn't planning to this year but with everything that happened, I never really got round to it. I'm not sure I'd be up for a big group night out anyway. I'm feeling a bit more sociable but I've only really been out with the same few women over the last few weeks. Not sure I would be ready for a bigger night out........ For the first time in a long while, I'm ok with my age. For my 30th, I went out partied like I was in my 20's (which I realised the morning after was a bad idea). This year was different though, I'm 31 and for the first time in 3 years, I'm working at my career again. My relationship is rock solid and as a couple we're in a fantastic place. Negatively I have just had my 2nd miscarriage but ...

The old saying is true, time is a great healer.  I went back to work last week and didn't last more than a shift and a half. It was too much too soon. My doctor has signed me off for another 2 weeks. Personally I am feeling better. I did something myself to remember the babies that I lost and I have an idea for something Matt and I can do together.  I'm also starting to think about the future and am starting to take on wee projects. As I write this, my hall/stairs are like a bomb site. The plan for this week is below: • Take the wallpaper off the hall/stairs • Fill the 10 (huge) holes in my hall/stair wall • Gut & paint my living room • Strip the wallpaper off my bathroom • Gut & paint my bedroom That's not necessarily the order that I'll do it in but that's my to-do list.  This week is also the week I go back running. I've been saying it for the last 2 weeks and haven't done it. But that all changes.  I'll never forget the 2 babies that I lost b...

I was asked today how I'm feeling about everything and I honestly couldn't answer the question with anything more than I don't know.  I would say that over the last 3 weeks I've been insufferable. The first 2 weeks we didn't know what was happening and we've had a week to deal with the reality of what's happened. My mood hasn't been good for most of it and when my mood does improve, it doesn't last for that long. I'm getting myself out of the house and getting out of bed is easier now.  One thing I do know though is that it's times like this that test your relationship to it's limits. I've said it before but I wanted to dedicate a full post to him. Matt has been amazing! He's been my tower of strength and a solid source of support during everything. Even now, his priority is making sure that I'm ok. I did something yesterday to mark what has happened both in 2004 & now and he was right there at my side. Even when m...

I'm actually starting to feel like the big dark cloud hanging over me is starting to lift. For the first time in about 2 weeks I've  managed to get myself out of bed and go out somewhere. I have nowhere in particular that I'm going, I'm just going out. The only reason I was going out before was if I had something to go out for. I hope this means that I'm starting to move in the right direction. I've had people say to me that I should be getting on with it and that life goes on but I wasn't ready. I'm not 100% feeling like myself but I'm getting there. I'm standing at the bus stop as I type this and there is a beautiful little girl in a pushchair sitting staring at me. Today was the first time that it didn't reduce me to tears and believe me, over the last 2 weeks, the tears come wherever I am either in public or private. I think people have thought I've got the worst hayfever ever!! I'm out for lunch & dinner tomorrow with 2 diffe...

It's been a horrible few days. We had to face the reality that we had lost the baby and I had to admit it both to myself and everyone else. I've been completely blown away but the level of support that we've received. I knew I had some amazing friends but wow is all I can say. Now we have to spend time as a couple dealing with what's happened. Today we went for nice lunch together and Matt is playing with his new toy. Anyone who knows Matt knows that he loves his music. He has hundreds of CD's and for years they've been stored away in boxes in the spare room. To say thank you to him for all his love, support and care over the last few weeks, I bought him a unit for all his CD's. As I type this, he's sitting going through them putting them into alphabetical order. Bless him...... I'm still not sure what's going on in my head. Loads of emotions are running through my head and I'm not feeling the same thing from one hour to the next. I forced ...

When I wrote my last blog, I knew that I had some huge news although I didn't think I would be telling our news this early or that this is how it would end. I'm writing about this because I promised this blog would be honest and the last few weeks have had a huge impact on me as an individual and Matt & I as a couple. I discovered at the end of June that I was pregnant. I was so excited and could not believe it. With my PCOS I had given up any hope of falling pregnant naturally. I was over the moon. Unfortunately at 5 weeks I started to bleed. A week later, I had a scan but they couldn't tell me whether the pregnancy was viable anymore so I've had to wait another week. Today it was confirmed that I have lost the baby. The last 2 weeks have been some of the worst I've ever had. I've only been able to fall asleep by imagining that we were told the baby was still growing. But when I wake up it's like a jolt back to reality when I realise that that's...

It's been such a busy few weeks for us as a couple.  I started my new job and have been there for 4 weeks now. I'm glad to be home working :-) That said I'm missing my girls from Manchester. I'm going down in August to see them though and I'm crossing my fingers that they can get time off so that I can spend sometime with them even if its just a coffee or dinner after work. They are an amazing group of girls and I'm so excited to catch up with them. Lots to catch up on...... I posted last week about graduating. I had a brilliant day surrounded by my family and then later on by my friends. I can't believe that's uni all over and done with.  My weight loss has gone by the way side at the moment. I've just been too busy to really give it much thought and the same goes for the gym. I'm not being bad, I just haven't tracked as well as I should be.  I was listening to the radio the other day and the presenter was saying that his new wife ha...

Well I did it, yesterday I graduated from Uni. I've been working for 6 months now but it was brilliant to graduate. It was a really good day. I had my family at the ceremony and then we went for dinner. Afterwards a few of my friends came out for a few drinks. Congratulations to all my fellow nurses who graduated yesterday. We did it, after 3 years and countless hours in the IT Suite & the Library, it's all over. Now comes the hard bit :-)  Here's a wee picture of part of my family. My mum and auntie are on the other side of the camera.  So here's to the next chapter......... new job, new start :-) 

As I said in the last post, I need to take my weight loss more seriously and part of that is to stop giving myself a hard time over the past. I can't change the past and can only focus on the future and changing my life for the better.h So this post is about looking forward to what's coming over the next wee while.  First thing is that I start back work on Monday. I can't wait!!! It's in the type of ward that I want and back home as well. It's full time and permanent which only sweetens the deal. In a couple of weeks time (in fact exactly 3 weeks today), I officially graduate from uni. I left school when I was 16 and only really had office work type qualifications. I left for a job within the government and I stayed there for years. I was good at office work, I had been taught to type when I was younger because office work was what my mum did for a living. I never really thought I'd do anything else. Then my dad got ill for the first time just as I started w...

So I lost a pound this week which I'm chuffed with. I'd only been able to get to the gym once this week and that was Friday. I feel like my body is fighting against me: the week before last I had that infection in my lungs and this week I've been choked with the cold!! Anyway I'm over the worst of it now and planning to get back on it properly as of tomorrow. That's not really what I'm posting about tonight though. We were at a BBQ yesterday for a friend's birthday. It was lovely day, good food, great company. I had a great time. For what I can remember...... I had wwwwwaaaaayyyy to much to drink and I'm really annoyed at myself. Not only are they empty and wasted calories but I'm just over it. The being drunk, the not remembering and the hangover in the morning. I don't do it all the time, I've made it sound like I do it every weekend lol. I go out less than once a month and don't get into a terrible state every time I'm out. I nee...

Weight last week - 17st 4lbs (242 lbs) Weight today - 17st 3lbs (241 lbs) LOSS: 1 lb!! Total loss to date: 80lbs

I have a final goal for this weight loss journey of mine. January 2015!! Matt turns 40 in December of 2014 and I've been thinking about his birthday for a couple of weeks now. So the big plans are that I'm going to take him away on a snowboarding holiday in January 2015.    I had a chat with him and he's totally onboard. Location will depend on who would be up for coming. I've put it out to his snow friends and their other halves; if other people are up for coming along, it'll be Europe, if not I'll take him to the States or Canada. I'm just looking for an idea of who might come to know what sort of saving up I have to do.  I can't do anything about it until this time next year but I don't know enough about winter resorts so I need to do research into the resorts not just the hotels. I love all that sort of stuff though :-) So I have approximately 84/85 weeks to get the weight off AND learn to ski or snowboard. That's more than possible. If I...

My friend Kalie that I mentioned the other day proposed a new challenge to a few of us yesterday. The 30 day squat challenge. Well that grew arms and legs and there's a wee bunch of us now doing  the 30 squat/crunch/plank challenge. I've enclosed a picture of it below. I have a BBQ with some of the girls next Saturday and as the wine flows, I can see plank and squat competitions lol.  I've done day 1 already this morning and I think the crunches will be my hardest bit. But I'm in the mood for all things exercise so I'm making the most of it. I've been busting my hump this week at the end and although I hurt in places I forgot I had muscles, I've loved this week.  The plan for next week is below: MONDAY Metafit Gym Swim TUESDAY Gym Body Combat Swim WEDNESDAY Gym Metafit Zumba Swim (if I can move my arms lol) THURSDAY Body attack Gym Swim FRIDAY Gym Dancercise Zumba Body balance Swim Weigh in SATURDAY & SUNDAY Days off I've also got the healthiest Asda...

Weight last week - 17st 9lbs (247 lbs) Weight today - 17st 4lbs (242 lbs) LOSS: 5lbs!! Total loss to date: 79lbs Woop woop!!!

Well today was my first proper day back at the gym and I had forgotten how much I love the high you get after exercise!  After the disaster of last Friday when I almost passed out, I ended up at the doctors on Monday morning. I'd managed to pick up a lovely wee infection which was affecting my stomach and lungs. The doctor thinks my panicking about not being able to breath was causing my BP to go through the roof. When he did it, it was slightly high but I couldn't breath properly but no where near as high as it was on Friday. However I'm on day 3 of 5 of some steroids and am feeling so much better.  It was my programme that I got in the gym this morning and the trainer guy is determined to break me. I stupidly said that I wanted to do those pull up things and I think he's dead set on making me do it within the 4 weeks lol.  I also did a metafit class and went for a swim. Metafit is an amazing class! I haven't worked that hard since I did CPT and even then I got mor...

I haven't posted lately, I've just had a lot going on. Last Friday I went to Benidorm for my friend's hen weekend. The weather was glorious! Being a red head, I can't really sit out in the sun, I tend to burn to a crisp but the other girls all ended up with a lovely colour. It was an all inclusive break so we ate LOADS!!! And I know I piled on the weight. I've been feeling great since I came back from Benidorm. I've been complaining to Matt that my asthma has been bothering me. I've just been feeling short of breath but I put it down to not being very active lately. So yesterday I rejoined the gym and today was my health check to make sure that they are happy to give me a programme etc. It's a different gym that I've joined because I was looking for more support in the gym and bit more motivation. Anyway, today I rocked up for my medical with the intention of having a workout afterwards. Things didn't exactly go to plan.......like I said be...

Firstly I want to apologise for my last post. Negative doesn't even cover it!! Well I'm apologising, it's how I felt and what I wanted to say at the time. This morning when I got up I realised I've been living in a funk and it was about time I have myself a good talking too. Not sure how I was thinking so clearly this morning, I haven't slept in about 48 hours but it obviously cleared my head. I'd stopped replying to text messages and would just leave my phone at home when I went out so I didn't have to talk to anyone. Before I'd have my phone surgically attached to me! So this morning I gave myself a shake. I have a job (when I eventually get a start date), I have some amazing friends and some of them are too far away for my liking but that's alright, Manchester is a great night out and isn't the other side of the world. The swimsuit issues, jeez, no one likes having to buy them! And I managed to get 2 of them. And on top of all that I'm...

Yesterday I had to go and try to buy a new swimsuit for my friend's hen weekend which is under 2 weeks away now. OMG! I had been putting it off because I knew how it was going to turn out but it was more horrendous than I had even imagined. Nothing fitted, they all looked awful and by the end of the whole shopping trip I was feeling completely deflated. I didn't get anything in the shop, I've had to order them online. I've lost a load of weight since I had to wear a swimsuit last but I felt like I was right back there again. The only difference this time was that I was acutely aware of what size I am. I'm still thinking about it now. Of course the low mood leads to emotional eating, its a vicious cycle :-( In short, I feel totally crap.I feel like all the work I've done has been a waste of time. I'm ready to give in. I've got the Race for Life in a few weeks so I have to keep to going. I'm just not sure how to get my motivation back. I'm not ...