Devastated!!

When I wrote my last blog, I knew that I had some huge news although I didn't think I would be telling our news this early or that this is how it would end. I'm writing about this because I promised this blog would be honest and the last few weeks have had a huge impact on me as an individual and Matt & I as a couple.

I discovered at the end of June that I was pregnant. I was so excited and could not believe it. With my PCOS I had given up any hope of falling pregnant naturally. I was over the moon. Unfortunately at 5 weeks I started to bleed. A week later, I had a scan but they couldn't tell me whether the pregnancy was viable anymore so I've had to wait another week. Today it was confirmed that I have lost the baby. The last 2 weeks have been some of the worst I've ever had. I've only been able to fall asleep by imagining that we were told the baby was still growing. But when I wake up it's like a jolt back to reality when I realise that that's not conversation we were going to have.

Matt, my husband, has been an absolute star. He has been a tower of strength during all this. From the initial feelings of elation when I discovered I was pregnant to the heart wrenching reality that I had lost the baby. He has been right by my side through everything and I think in the long term, this can only make our relationship stronger. He is a true example of what a man should be and I'll be eternally grateful to him for all his love & support.

I'm absolutely devastated and I really need to deal with how I'm feeling. The baby was so wanted and I feel like my heart has been ripped into pieces. This is my 2nd miscarriage, the first one was in 2004. I was too scared to try again at that point, I was a completely different person at that point as well. 

So for the meantime, I'll get back to dealing with my PCOS symptoms. I admit that part of it is about burying my head in the sand so I don't have to deal with how I'm truly feeling. My feelings are just all over the place at the moment. I know that i wasn't very far along but i still feel like i lost something. I know that I'm not to blame, I did everything that I was supposed to but I still feel like a bit of a failure. I'm 0-2 now and I'm not sure that I'd be strong enough to go through a 3rd miscarriage, I know there are women who have been through more miscarriages and women who have experienced miscarriages much later on in pregnancy but I'm not as strong as these ladies. I'm frightened. I also feel a bit.......empty. My biggest feeling though is sad, I'm sad as hell :-(

My friend sent me this poem today and it's really lovely. 

"These are my footprints, 

so perfect and so small. 

These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all. 

Not one tiny footprint, for now I have wings. 

These tiny footprints were meant 

for other things. 

You will hear my tiny footprints, 

in the patter of the rain. 

Gentle drops like angel's tears, 

of joy and not from pain. 

You will see my tiny footprints, 

in each butterflies' lazy dance. 

I'll let you know I'm with you, 

if you just give me the chance. 

You will see my tiny footprints, 

in the rustle of the leaves. 

I will whisper names into the wind, 

and call each one that grieves. 

Most of all, these tiny footprints, 

are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts. 

'Cause even though I'm gone now, 

We'll never truly part." 

All I can do though is pray that next time will be different...... fingers crossed.