My Journey - Warts and All

As I went to write this post, I realised that I've almost written 200 posts on my blog so decided to change tact slightly. I had originally been planning on using this to talk about my new job but am going to use it as a wee bit of reflection. I'll start with the good news though. I was offered (and have accepted and started) the most amazing job offer. I am now a Junior Sister (equivalent of an NHS Junior Band 6) at a Private Company and I'm over the moon about it!! I've had the question 'how did you swing that'. Truthfully I'm not entirely sure. I went for a staff nurse job and when they called back they offered me the promotion. This is me getting back into nursing so I did a lot of soul searching as to whether I could cope with the role. I decided I could and my first real shift is Monday. I'm using the news above as the starting point for my reflection. When I think back about where I was in August 2013, it wasn't a good headspace. Septembe...

In my last post, I spoke about my challenge for 2014 being the Moonwalk. My preparation for it is now well under way. I've started working with a personal trainer at the gym and this will week starts to incorporate the actual training programme that Walk the Walk have sent out. It's quite a daunting thought that I'm going to be walking 26 miles. Things otherwise have been weird lately. I'm missing my granny quite a lot just now. Things are a bit of a crossroads for me and she would be the one that I would turn to about it and I'm missing having her there. Everyone I've spoken to about her death knows that the way things happened isn't what I would have wanted for her and I think that compounds it for me. I know she was in her 80's but it was unexpected and I keep thinking about what was the last thing I said to her. With my dad and my grandad, we got to 'engineer' our last moments with them but not with granny. I'm also acutely aware that ...

For a while now, I've said that I was going to do a challenge of some sort and I've ended up doing the Race for Life and nothing else. But this year, I've signed up for my biggest challenge to date. I'm doing the Edinburgh Moonwalk!!! 26 miles on a Saturday night on June!! Oh ya, is all I can say. I think over the next 15 weeks the treadmill at the gym will become my best friend. https://moonwalkscotland2014.everydayhero.com/uk/claire-11 Please dig deep and sponsor me for it. It's going to be a huge boost to my weight loss but more importantly I'm raising money in the fight against cancer. It affects 1 in 3 of us, that's a huge number that needs to reduce. On a weight loss note, I did spin for the first time last night. Ouch!!! I was exhausted and I felt like my legs were on fire and I only did 40 mins. It was good though, I loved the feeling afterwards. I didn't weigh in this week but I will on Sunday and we'll see. I have my personal training ...

Well another week done and dusted and it's been a terrible week in terms of what I've eaten in that I've eaten what I really fancy. So here goes the weigh in Last week: 18st 9lbs (261 lbs) Lost - 1lb Current weight: 18st 8lbs (260 lbs) Bit of a surprise if I'm honest but I'll take it!! It's been a quiet week otherwise really. Spent the week concentrating about getting stuck into my new job and will incorporate the gym this week. It's been quite hard going back to working 5 days a week and I've been knackered lol! I've also discovered a new wee snack, it's a wee biscuits/cheese/chutney by a company called LowLife. Gorgeous!!!! I'm planning to do my first spin class this week. Well it's not a spin class as such. The bikes in my gym have a setting that mean I can set them to take me through a spin class. Not going to be a good experience for the people on the bikes next to me but hey ho :-) The class in my gym are all only 30 mins lo...

Another week down and another weigh in done. So here goes: Last week: 18st 12lbs (264 lbs) Lost: 3lbs!!!! Current weight: 18st 9lbs (261 lbs) I haven't done a jot of exercise this week, it's all been diet so I'm really chuffed with this weight loss. I've started a new job, not a nursing job, but it pays the bills. I've also joined a new gym in Edinburgh. With this new job, I won't be able to make it back to Fife for any of the Fife circuit/CPT classes that I was looking to do so this gym is cheap as chips and it runs enough classes for my liking. I can't get to the gym tomorrow because I have a meeting so it'll be a start on Tuesday after work. I'm really looking forward to it :-) At the end of this week, I'm having the girls round to the house for an Arbonne party so that'll be a good laugh: bit of food, some drinks and a bit of girlie banter. It's a while since I've had the girls round so I'm looking forward to catchi...

I'm going to start this blog with an admission. I didn't post a weigh in post last week because I had put on weight again. Last week I put on 3lbs :-( but on the plus side, I went for an amazing night out with wee Noms as almost like a final blow out. So I start this post weighing 19st 3lbs :-( Boo!! But today, I did weigh in and I lost 5lbs!!!! Woop woop. Stats Last week: 19st 3lbs (269lbs) Current weigh: 18st 12lbs (264lbs) Lost 5lbs Weight to go: 8st 12lbs (124lbs) I also discovered a new fitness DVD this week. It's by Jillian Michaels and is called Shed and Shred. Amazing! I forgot how much I love the buzz of hard exercise. I'm going to get a couple of stones off and go to the circuit type training that I've spoken about in past posts. Not a big blog this week, not a lot has happened this week. Maybe something exciting will happen over the course of this week......

Week 1 was a complete bust. I ate crap and wasn't really in the mood to do anything in terms of exercise.  The first time I went out running, I ended up soaking wet and generally feeling rotten and it just put me off. The wind was biting and I really couldn't get past how cold & miserable I was. If any runners read this, I would really appreciate some advice on how you get past the cold when you're running.  I weighed in on Sunday and had put on a pound. So the first week of my resolution didn't go so well but there are still 51 weeks to achieve it. So..... Previous weight: 18st 13lbs (265lbs) Gain: 1lb :-( New weight: 19st (266lbs) I bought a exercise DVD on Sunday as well. I generally don't buy them. I think they're all a bit of a con and when you get used to the routine, it all gets a bit boring. However, this year I bought the fitness DVD that Vicky from Geordie Shore produced. I've watched every season of Geordie Shore and I really like he...

Happy New Year!! Hope everyone had a brilliant Christmas and New Year. Ours was all family orientated. Matt's birthday fell in between but he got to spend that at the football so he was happy. So it's 2014. This is going to be a much better year than last, I can feel it in my bones. I'm going back to nursing (just waiting on the necessary paperwork to start). It was a huge decision but the right one. I was starting to miss it. That's the major change from the end of 2013. My weight loss journey has restarted with a bang. I went for a 7.71km run a day or so ago and plan to go out again tomorrow. I'm using a book called 'Run Fat B!tch, Run' to help me with my training programme. It's brutal in that it tells the truth but brilliant at the same time. Wll it's maybe not for the faint hearted but I really like it. I've also had a weigh in and am ashamed to say that I have put on so much weight :-( So a wee stats update: Current weight: 18st 13lbs (2...

It's around this time of the year that I normally get a bit reflective and say what the plan is for the year coming. I can honestly say that 2013 has been a horrible year and I can't wait to see the back of it. Professionally, I started my career and had to take a break in the same year. It started apart from all friends and family. A huge plus point though, I made some amazing friends down in Manchester. When I came home, my personal life took a nose dive and impacted me from a work perceptive. I graduated and found out that I was pregnant on the same day. An amazing day! Unfortunately we all know the outcome of the pregnancy. In September, I took on a new challenge to get my mojo back and I'm still working at that. My weight loss disappeared into the ether but I'm human and life got in the way. I plan to pick it back up again in 2014. The year is ending on a sour note though. We lost my granny just over a week ago. She really was an amazing woman. She beat c...

I'm not sure what has prompted this blog entry but I just felt like it was the right time to get back to it.  I was sure that it was the right decision when I read my last post at the beginning of September. I was in a horrible place and I'm not sure I realised how bad it was.  I have done what I said in the last post and I'm not in nursing. I've got another job elsewhere making use of my customer service experience, you don't get much better customer service than nursing :-)  My weight loss had all but stopped and I was eating crap. As a consequence I've put on weight and am not heavier than when I started writing this blog. But it's ok because I'm back on it. Today is day 1 and it's started with a bang. I'm writing this after having done a gym session which started at 6am this morning! Keen or what!?!?  I'm also much better in my own head. I suppose what I've learnt is that I have to stop comparing what I went through to othe...

Just when I think I'm getting back to normal, something happens and I realise that I'm not.  I'm struggling with everything. I'm fine in one on one company but anymore than that and I'm uncomfortable. I went on a hen night this weekend and although I couldn't stay long (I was working), I felt really awkward. I would normally have been chatting and interacting with other people, strangers or not, but it just wasn't the case. I'm trying to put myself into as many of these situations as I can but that's just making me worse. I've been back to the doctors various times over the last few weeks and now have to go for a hospital appointment. I'm just not coping with life in general. I'm depressed, anxious and not sleeping which is adding to everything else. I wasn't sure about talking about this on here but I promised when I started this that I would be honest and I've got nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.  I...

I said in my last post that time was great healer but if I'm honest, the last few weeks haven't been easier.  There have been times when I've felt ok but I'm still having really low, dark days. I've tried to do things to help me start moving on from losing the baby and I do feel like the dark days are getting less frequent. At the moment, I'm feel like I'm battling feelings of failure that I wasn't able to carry either of the babies. I've started seeing a counsellor but I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. Although he did make a good point. I'm lost. I had come to terms with the fact that babies were probably not going to be in our plan and worked on carving out a career for myself. Then when I fell pregnant all my plans were thrown into the air. When I lost the baby, I had to revert to my original plans of a career but I'd had a taste of something that I've always wanted. So I now wanted what I didn't have. I have to find out ...

It was my birthday on Wednesday and as the subject of this suggests, I turned 31.  I had a lovely day, just pottering about the house then a tour of Fife with my wee day saver ticket.  I didn't actually organise anything for this birthday. I wasn't planning to this year but with everything that happened, I never really got round to it. I'm not sure I'd be up for a big group night out anyway. I'm feeling a bit more sociable but I've only really been out with the same few women over the last few weeks. Not sure I would be ready for a bigger night out........ For the first time in a long while, I'm ok with my age. For my 30th, I went out partied like I was in my 20's (which I realised the morning after was a bad idea). This year was different though, I'm 31 and for the first time in 3 years, I'm working at my career again. My relationship is rock solid and as a couple we're in a fantastic place. Negatively I have just had my 2nd miscarriage but ...

The old saying is true, time is a great healer.  I went back to work last week and didn't last more than a shift and a half. It was too much too soon. My doctor has signed me off for another 2 weeks. Personally I am feeling better. I did something myself to remember the babies that I lost and I have an idea for something Matt and I can do together.  I'm also starting to think about the future and am starting to take on wee projects. As I write this, my hall/stairs are like a bomb site. The plan for this week is below: • Take the wallpaper off the hall/stairs • Fill the 10 (huge) holes in my hall/stair wall • Gut & paint my living room • Strip the wallpaper off my bathroom • Gut & paint my bedroom That's not necessarily the order that I'll do it in but that's my to-do list.  This week is also the week I go back running. I've been saying it for the last 2 weeks and haven't done it. But that all changes.  I'll never forget the 2 babies that I lost b...

I was asked today how I'm feeling about everything and I honestly couldn't answer the question with anything more than I don't know.  I would say that over the last 3 weeks I've been insufferable. The first 2 weeks we didn't know what was happening and we've had a week to deal with the reality of what's happened. My mood hasn't been good for most of it and when my mood does improve, it doesn't last for that long. I'm getting myself out of the house and getting out of bed is easier now.  One thing I do know though is that it's times like this that test your relationship to it's limits. I've said it before but I wanted to dedicate a full post to him. Matt has been amazing! He's been my tower of strength and a solid source of support during everything. Even now, his priority is making sure that I'm ok. I did something yesterday to mark what has happened both in 2004 & now and he was right there at my side. Even when m...

I'm actually starting to feel like the big dark cloud hanging over me is starting to lift. For the first time in about 2 weeks I've  managed to get myself out of bed and go out somewhere. I have nowhere in particular that I'm going, I'm just going out. The only reason I was going out before was if I had something to go out for. I hope this means that I'm starting to move in the right direction. I've had people say to me that I should be getting on with it and that life goes on but I wasn't ready. I'm not 100% feeling like myself but I'm getting there. I'm standing at the bus stop as I type this and there is a beautiful little girl in a pushchair sitting staring at me. Today was the first time that it didn't reduce me to tears and believe me, over the last 2 weeks, the tears come wherever I am either in public or private. I think people have thought I've got the worst hayfever ever!! I'm out for lunch & dinner tomorrow with 2 diffe...

It's been a horrible few days. We had to face the reality that we had lost the baby and I had to admit it both to myself and everyone else. I've been completely blown away but the level of support that we've received. I knew I had some amazing friends but wow is all I can say. Now we have to spend time as a couple dealing with what's happened. Today we went for nice lunch together and Matt is playing with his new toy. Anyone who knows Matt knows that he loves his music. He has hundreds of CD's and for years they've been stored away in boxes in the spare room. To say thank you to him for all his love, support and care over the last few weeks, I bought him a unit for all his CD's. As I type this, he's sitting going through them putting them into alphabetical order. Bless him...... I'm still not sure what's going on in my head. Loads of emotions are running through my head and I'm not feeling the same thing from one hour to the next. I forced ...

When I wrote my last blog, I knew that I had some huge news although I didn't think I would be telling our news this early or that this is how it would end. I'm writing about this because I promised this blog would be honest and the last few weeks have had a huge impact on me as an individual and Matt & I as a couple. I discovered at the end of June that I was pregnant. I was so excited and could not believe it. With my PCOS I had given up any hope of falling pregnant naturally. I was over the moon. Unfortunately at 5 weeks I started to bleed. A week later, I had a scan but they couldn't tell me whether the pregnancy was viable anymore so I've had to wait another week. Today it was confirmed that I have lost the baby. The last 2 weeks have been some of the worst I've ever had. I've only been able to fall asleep by imagining that we were told the baby was still growing. But when I wake up it's like a jolt back to reality when I realise that that's...

It's been such a busy few weeks for us as a couple.  I started my new job and have been there for 4 weeks now. I'm glad to be home working :-) That said I'm missing my girls from Manchester. I'm going down in August to see them though and I'm crossing my fingers that they can get time off so that I can spend sometime with them even if its just a coffee or dinner after work. They are an amazing group of girls and I'm so excited to catch up with them. Lots to catch up on...... I posted last week about graduating. I had a brilliant day surrounded by my family and then later on by my friends. I can't believe that's uni all over and done with.  My weight loss has gone by the way side at the moment. I've just been too busy to really give it much thought and the same goes for the gym. I'm not being bad, I just haven't tracked as well as I should be.  I was listening to the radio the other day and the presenter was saying that his new wife ha...

Well I did it, yesterday I graduated from Uni. I've been working for 6 months now but it was brilliant to graduate. It was a really good day. I had my family at the ceremony and then we went for dinner. Afterwards a few of my friends came out for a few drinks. Congratulations to all my fellow nurses who graduated yesterday. We did it, after 3 years and countless hours in the IT Suite & the Library, it's all over. Now comes the hard bit :-)  Here's a wee picture of part of my family. My mum and auntie are on the other side of the camera.  So here's to the next chapter......... new job, new start :-)