A wee bit reflection.....(it's positive)

I have a holiday coming up. It's a long weekend for a hen weekend. I'm so excited for my friend's hen weekend and her wedding and all the stuff that goes along with it. 

 The only thing I'm nervous about is the hen weekend. It's abroad which means shorts, vests and my worst nightmare SWIMWEAR!! There are videos from the last time that I wore a swimsuit which are 3 year old and I detest them! They were taken because I was taking part in some daft hotel games things. There are a couple of photos that I never planned to let see the light of day but when I started this I said that I would be honest..... so here goes......

I think this was when I was at my biggest and it's not my finest moment. I suppose I'm thinking about it because I had to try on my swimsuit this morning to see if I need a new one for the hen weekend. Now I'm not saying this because I want everyone to be like 'Oh you don't look like that now' but when I look in the mirror, I don't see the weight that I've lost. I know how much weight I've lost because I get on the scales and they tell me the actual figures but when I look in the mirror I don't see that. I see the girl in these pictures who's says she's a size 24 but in reality is probably more like a 26/28. She gives an outward appearance of being super happy and just takes what life gives her without questioning it. 

I know that my attitude is different now to then but so much has happened over the last 3 years since these photos were taken. I'm in a much more positive place than I was then and I do things on my terms. I have an amazing job and I choose to surround myself with people who lift me up. I used to go clothes shopping and wasn't able to 'pick' anything, I had to buy whatever fitted me. I would then buy it in all the available colours. I don't have to do that anymore, I have a choice of clothes to buy and from more than 1 shop. When I go out, it takes me ages to get ready (sorry Matt) and I change my outfit a dozen times before settling on the first thing I tried on (again sorry Matt). 

Physically, I'm more able to do my job. I can do the wards for 14 hours a day and not be anymore exhausted that anyone else. I have more energy (except if I've been on for 3 straight days!) and I am able to go out for a run/jog/walk over a 6.35km track. My hip injury is feeling much better and when I went out for a run the other day, the only pain I had the next day was from tensing up my muscles because I was nervous about running. I also feel the difference with my PCOS. The symptoms that I experience other than my weight are subsiding. I'm feeling more like a 'normal' woman every day and I love it. 

Do I have a long way to go? ABSOLUTELY but I've already come such a long way. Is it going to be hard? I wouldn't have it any other way :-). As Kelly Clarkson said 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' and I'm getting there day by day and just a little bit at a time.

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