My Journey - Warts and All

I said in my last post that time was great healer but if I'm honest, the last few weeks haven't been easier.  There have been times when I've felt ok but I'm still having really low, dark days. I've tried to do things to help me start moving on from losing the baby and I do feel like the dark days are getting less frequent. At the moment, I'm feel like I'm battling feelings of failure that I wasn't able to carry either of the babies. I've started seeing a counsellor but I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. Although he did make a good point. I'm lost. I had come to terms with the fact that babies were probably not going to be in our plan and worked on carving out a career for myself. Then when I fell pregnant all my plans were thrown into the air. When I lost the baby, I had to revert to my original plans of a career but I'd had a taste of something that I've always wanted. So I now wanted what I didn't have. I have to find out ...

It was my birthday on Wednesday and as the subject of this suggests, I turned 31.  I had a lovely day, just pottering about the house then a tour of Fife with my wee day saver ticket.  I didn't actually organise anything for this birthday. I wasn't planning to this year but with everything that happened, I never really got round to it. I'm not sure I'd be up for a big group night out anyway. I'm feeling a bit more sociable but I've only really been out with the same few women over the last few weeks. Not sure I would be ready for a bigger night out........ For the first time in a long while, I'm ok with my age. For my 30th, I went out partied like I was in my 20's (which I realised the morning after was a bad idea). This year was different though, I'm 31 and for the first time in 3 years, I'm working at my career again. My relationship is rock solid and as a couple we're in a fantastic place. Negatively I have just had my 2nd miscarriage but ...

The old saying is true, time is a great healer.  I went back to work last week and didn't last more than a shift and a half. It was too much too soon. My doctor has signed me off for another 2 weeks. Personally I am feeling better. I did something myself to remember the babies that I lost and I have an idea for something Matt and I can do together.  I'm also starting to think about the future and am starting to take on wee projects. As I write this, my hall/stairs are like a bomb site. The plan for this week is below: • Take the wallpaper off the hall/stairs • Fill the 10 (huge) holes in my hall/stair wall • Gut & paint my living room • Strip the wallpaper off my bathroom • Gut & paint my bedroom That's not necessarily the order that I'll do it in but that's my to-do list.  This week is also the week I go back running. I've been saying it for the last 2 weeks and haven't done it. But that all changes.  I'll never forget the 2 babies that I lost b...